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Daddy Issues

September 25, 2017

New week = New Blessings.

 

I hope you've had an amazing start to your week! Last week I talked about the importance of being single and happy, I was highlighting that being lonely and being single are two different things! If you haven't read it, you can read it here!

 

Every single post I will write about is something that I have been through or something I am still going through and something I am definitely still going through is "daddy issues" 

This post is about fatherlessness. Fatherlessness is actually more common than I realised, it's such a sensitive topic but it's something that I feel needs to be talked about.

Growing up the word "dad/daddy" was like a swear word to me. My dad passed away when I was young so the thought of having a man love me for all my flaws was strange (this is why it took a long time for me to submit to God but that's a story for another day) I never had a dad loving me when growing up and this led to me craving attention from the wrong people and ending up in relationships I shouldn't be in. Growing up I never liked confrontation so rather than confronting my "daddy issues" I just buried it, but one thing I realised whatever seed you burry will always grow. I feel like a lot of people who are going through fatherlessness/daddy issues are so used to the pain that they're numb to it, they have it so buried deep down not knowing that it's growing into other things (loneliness, depression, insecurity, lust, gangs etc. etc.) 

Identity is a powerful thing but identity can be hindered if it has a broken foundation. My pastor (who is also now a huge father figure in my life) is always highlighting the importance of foundations - when you walk into a building, you never admire it's foundation, why? because you can't see it. We always admire the interior designing but the designing stage always comes after the foundation has been established. In life we can try our very best to design a type of life for ourselves but it'll never be fulfilling if the foundation isn't right.

 

For me having an older brother helped a lot but having an older brother isn't the same as having a dad. Having no father led to me actually lacking a sense of identity because a child's identity first comes from their parents, both mother and father ; so me only getting to experience a mothers love was great but not complete.And now that I am 20 years young, I am starting to see the effects of "daddy issues" in not just me but in so many other people around me. You need to understand that sometimes it's hard for a woman to let a man in/or a man love her when the first man that was ever meant to love her, didn't. There's so many things that stem from daddy issues and I definitely feel people need to start dealing with that before they can really deal with anything else.I can't fix the fact my dad wasn't there growing up and I can't bring him back either but acknowledging my dis-attachment to the word "father"  has helped me start my healing process towards the issue.

 

17 years without a dad allowed me to become numb to the pain but just because I am numb doesn't mean it's still not there.

My "daddy issues" led to me being quite tom-boyish in my childhood years because I craved male attention in my life, so I drew closer to males growing up. My fatherlessness also led to being reserved about my feelings (which I still am lol) so this means sometimes I don't know how to voice it when I need help or comfort. I guess seeing the way my mum "bossed" her way through life as a single parent made me adopt an independent character which makes it hard for me to trust, confide or depend on others. 

 

My experience of having no dad is actually an experience I wouldn't wish upon anyone but it's one that is so common and I definitely feel we need to talk about it more. It's important having dads around because people are hurting. A lot of the #menaretrash debates are not coming from the pain females have encountered with past intimate male relationships but actually the unstable relationships they have with their fathers. it's been consistent in their life that men haven't filled a positive role so it can create an ideology that men can't be associated with anything positive (this is my opinion, you don't have to agree with me)

A lot of young men growing up without dads can lead them to be a certain way because a man can't learn be a positive role model if he has no role model to look up to in the first place. If we don't deal with these "daddy issues" when we are young, offence and bitterness will grow as we do.

 

I wouldn't say I am completely over my "daddy issues" but I have come a long way and some things that have helped me are

 

  1. Acknowledging it

  2. Expressing how I feel about it

  3. Confiding in men who I can see good father characterics in (my older brother and pastor)

  4. Praying about it

  5. Allowing God to be my father (casting all my burdens unto him and knowing my father in heaven has got me always and all ways)

 

 

Please leave a comment below or feel free to contact me - hayley@hayleymulenda.com if you have any questions or any requests for blog posts..

 

 

P.S

 

I am also running weekly online masterclasses called "Building You" which teaches you how to be whole within yourself mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally - these masterclasses are also a place for you to network with those who are looking into their own self-development.. We also bring in specialists from across the world who talk about their journey and what methods they used to build themselves to get to certain platforms and recognition - if you're interested in finding out more about the "Building You" Masterclass - CLICK HERE 

 

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